Washington Post
Sunday, May 27, 2001; Page B08
Home, Gargantuan Home

       Washington, DC and its surrounding counties feature a gently sloping terrain that is forested by a splendid
  array of trees.  Each spring, a gray woodland blossoms into dogwood and redbud, and the soft green leaves
  of huge oaks swiftly shade the ground.  And each year, we see the havoc wreaked on this beauty by the
  builders and owners of Washington's suburban manses.

  When the first bedroom communities sprang up around Washington in the '30s and '40s, houses were scaled
  appropriately to the size of their lots and managed to incorporate some craftsmanship into their details.  But
  today's builders and homeowners seem wedded to oversized and out-of-scale houses that consume all but a
  few feet of their lots.  They seem to be following a universal and perverse set of guidelines:

  First, avoid studying the details of fine homes in our region's older communities.
   These homes, while pretentious upon occasion, rarely appear massive even when their rooms are generous
  enough to host the extended family for Thanksgiving dinner.  Shun the neighborhoods of Chevy Chase,
  Rosemont, Lyon Village, Takoma Park and American University Park as bad influences.

  Second, freely mix design elements.
  People don't want to be stuck with one style of house anymore, so merge periods, preferably erring on the
  side of including elements of the Queen Anne or Victorian style.  And remember that turrets go with everything
  and offer the perfect setting for that old bean-bag chair.

  Third, think brass, brass and more brass.
  Shiny brass fixtures should adorn not just the facade of the manse but its lanes and walkways too.

  Fourth, don't waste money on the approach to the house.
  Although the land may have cost $1 million and the house $2.5 million, economies can be realized on the site
  plan.  Black asphalt should ooze from the street directly to the front door with plenty of turnaround room for the
  SUV.  The driveway also should lead to a five-car garage, which can serve as the point of arrival for family
  members and guests.

  Fifth, raze as many trees as possible.
  Cutting down trees has a double benefit!   Not only do passersby get an unobstructed view of all the
  prosperous details of the house -- right down to the mortar on the seventh chimney and the brass door
  numbers -- but also leaf-raking costs are reduced drastically.

  Sixth, scale back the landscaping.
  Install the smallest shrubs possible -- the kind sold in strip mall parking lots at 10 for $29.  In 30 or 40 years,
  a garden will emerge just in time for the latest Potomac River bridge crossing to consume the property  whole.
  Also, consider mulch as the ideal garden element.  In the past, ground cover and perennial beds formed a tier
  below the trees and shrubs, but mulching is now acceptable in lieu of plants.  If spread eight inches thick, it
  eliminates the need to plant any of the many ground covers that thrive in the area's fair climate.

  Seventh, fence the lot.
  Dividing the neighborhood's common landscape will define the property and help the surveyor when it's time
  to sell.  Deer and other wildlife also enjoy the challenge of negotiating a chain-link fence.

  Last, name the house.
  What was good enough for George Washington is good enough for today's suburbanite.  The name Mount
  Vernon has been taken, but Manderley has a certain ring to it.

  Following these guidelines will guarantee the creation of a made-to-order manse, but if our offspring are
  lucky, in a few decades the shrubbery will grow tall enough to mask these mishaps of the new millennium.

  -- Brian Kane,  Landscape Architect  --
  © 2001 The Washington Post Company
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                 Brian Kane's built work includes the following gardens-landscapes in the Washington metropolitan area:

• Mary's Garden, Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, Washington, D.C.
• Charles Carroll House, Annapolis, Maryland
• Langston Terrace, Washington, D.C.
• Georgetown Visitation Convent and Preparatory School, Washington, D.C.
• Multiple Sites, District of Columbia Housing and Redevelopment Authority
• Maret School Master Landscape Plan, Washington, D.C.
• Potomac School Master Landscape Plan, McLean, Virginia
• Grover Cleveland Elementary School, Washington, D.C.
• Anderson Terrace at Episcopal High School, Alexandria, Virginia.
• Aldie Mill, Loudoun County, Virginia
• Gaithersburg Latitude Observatory Park, Gaithersburg, Maryland